Introduction
At the beginning of this series, I mentioned a few fundamental facts about loneliness, as reported in published scientific journals. (1) In general, loneliness is not a function of actual social isolation, but the perception or feeling of social isolation. (2) Almost half the people in the United States, from adolescence through old age identified themselves as lonely. Thus, loneliness has reached epidemic proportions. And (3) loneliness is dangerous to our physical, as well as our mental health. I quoted a Surgeon General’s finding that loneliness is as bad for our health as smoking 15 cigarettes per day. As a public health physician, I am making it my mission to propose solutions, treatments and interventions to reduce loneliness based on scientific evidence.
Meet Jane, Elaine and Jerry
This Blog takes what scientific research has learned about people who are resilient to feeling lonely and makes some self-help suggestions. To assist you in applying these suggestions to your own lives and the lives of lonely people you care about, I have made up three regular people with normal life challenges, and applied my suggestions to them. (1) Meet Jane, who is a stay-at-home Mom in a new town, with two preschool children. Her husband travels for work. (2) Meet Elaine, who is a 50 year old single woman who lives alone and works as a secretary. (3) Meet Jerry, who is a 68 year old retired accountant and widower. He has grown children, but they all live out of state. Jane, Elaine and Jerry all feel lonely. Let’s see how they can help themselves feel less lonely without attempting to change what they feel are their inadequate social relationships.
Help for the Lonely — What Hasn’t Been Working
So often a lonely person is told, or thinks: “You should get out more, then you’ll feel less lonely.” This generally does not work. We know that we can feel lonely in a crowd, and feel connected when alone. Going out more is not likely to change how we view ourselves and our relationships. There is more to it than increasing the number of social contacts.
Moreover, the “should” in that thought is shaming. If we don’t go out more, or we do and that doesn’t work, that is bad for our self esteem, reinforcing our loneliness. We feel more isolated when we compare ourselves to the people we perceive as happily socially connected. This negativity is self-reinforcing. Because lonely people sometimes feel ashamed of their loneliness, they tend not to talk about it. Removing the stigma from loneliness is another important mission of this blog. This Blog will never use the phrase: “You should.”
Self Help — What Can Work
My suggestions accept that the existing social environment does not change. They are good for self-esteem. They are based on personalities that have more (1) Openness; (2) Conscientiousness; and (3); Agreeableness.
1. Openness
This trait features characteristics such as imagination and insight. People who are high in this trait also tend to have a broad range of interests. They are curious about the world and other people. They are eager to learn new things and enjoy new experiences.
People who are high in this trait tend to be more adventurous and creative. People low in this trait are often much more traditional and may struggle with abstract thinking. High Very creative Open to trying new things Focused on tackling new challenges Happy to think about abstract concepts Low Dislikes change Does not enjoy new things Resists new ideas Not very imaginative Dislikes abstract or theoretical concepts.
High
-
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- Very creative
- Open to trying new things
- Focused on tackling new challenges
- Happy to think about abstract concepts
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Low
-
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- Dislikes change
- Does not enjoy new things
- Resists new ideas
- Not very imaginative
- Dislikes abstract or theoretical concepts
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Encouraging Words
Please, do not let your first thought be: “oh no, I’m not creative,” or “what’s abstract thinking?” “Am I doomed if I have never been good at math?” Look more closely at the list. Can you nudge yourself towards being open to trying something new? It doesn’t matter what that is, as long as it’s not destructive. Think of something that has interested you, but that you have felt inhibited from trying. Think small. Perhaps you’ve thought of gardening, for example. Start with planting some herbs in pots in a sunny spot. Attend to your feelings of pleasure as you work. Perhaps that’s the sun on your back as you plant, or the smell of fresh herbs. As a consequence of taking a baby step towards a new interest, you may create or deepen existing personal relationships when you find new common ground. That, however, is not the end point on which to focus. Just the act of trying something new will contribute to reducing your feelings of loneliness and boost your self esteem. Continue trying new things, in baby steps, to cultivate a more open outlook.
Next, consider tackling a new challenge. Inertia plagues us all, from time to time. Perhaps you’ve felt challenged in maintaining an exercise routine. Start small. It makes no difference where you are on the fitness continuum. The point is that you challenge yourself and follow through. For example, if you are a complete couch potato, challenge yourself to a walk around the block once a day. Be realistic about something you can achieve. As you are walking, plan your next challenge, within the limits of whatever health conditions you may have. (Need I say: “Check with your doctor”?) Exercise is a good example for its many other health benefits, but this need not be the new challenge you choose to tackle. It could be anything constructive. Again, I suggest you start small, partly so as not to set yourself up for failure, but also to give yourself room to set incremental challenges. The key point here is to develop a more optimistic mindset about tackling new challenges.
Suggestions for our three challenged people for (1) increasing their openness to trying new things; and (2) expanding their willingness to undertake new challenges.
Jane routinely walks around the same block with her children in a double stroller. She decides to up her game on these walks. She commits to lengthening the distance she walks incrementally and she decides to map out new routes to walk. Perhaps she will work up to driving her car — kids and stroller in tow — to explore new routes in her new hometown. She follows through on these promises to herself. Just undertaking these new outlooks reduces her feelings of loneliness. By the way, she may encounter new potential friends. Perhaps they are other moms. Maybe she will meet another walker interested in gardening. In other words, her intention is to focus on moving her feelings towards openness. She shows a willingness to challenge herself. Whether she makes new friends along the way is the added bonus of modifying her outlook.
Elaine likes the routine of her job, but she would like to earn more money. To challenge herself, she looks into what new skills she can learn to enhance her value as a secretary. She takes an Intro to Computer Science course online. She earns a certificate of completion. Perhaps she continues her quest to enhance her job skills with additional classes. Maybe she takes some fun beginner classes at the local community center. Maybe she takes pottery or jewelry-making. She loves to dance and misses not having a partner. Now she takes Zumba, a Latin dance exercise class, and dances her heart out — no partner needed. Along the way, she may make new and satisfying social relationships. Again, her intention is to focus on what she can control —her outlook. Who she meets on this journey might change her actual social relationships in positive ways.
Jerry does not like change, but he must face that big changes have happened to him. Recently he lost his wife of many years. His grown children live out of state. He recently retired without a good plan for how he would spend all the extra time he now has on his hands. I feel for Jerry, and he has choices. He can lose himself in his loneliness, or he can become willing to try new things and tackle new challenges. Jerry chooses to volunteer. Now he drives the town van that takes the elderly and disabled to and from their doctors’ appointments twice a week. This is not a big stretch for Jerry because he had spent much of his time taking care of his sick wife before she passed. He feels energized by this volunteer work as it returns meaning to his life as a caregiver. Later, he considers other volunteer opportunities that appeal to him. He has played the piano, so he practices some songs he once knew. Now he plays at a nursing home to entertain the residents once a week. Perhaps he volunteers at the local community theater, working backstage. Adjusting his outlook about trying new things and accepting new challenges lessens his loneliness. Along the way, he made new friends as his interactions with people increased.
In these ways, and with time, you too can change your mindset. Remember your goals here are: (1) being open to trying new things; and (2) being focused on tackling new challenges. This mindset has been scientifically proven to be an important antidotes to loneliness.
2. Conscientiousness
People who are conscientious are highly thoughtful. They have good impulse control and goal-directed behaviors. Highly conscientious people tend to be organized and mindful of details. They plan ahead. They think about how their behavior affects others. They are mindful of deadlines. We may naturally be better or worse at this. So let’s look at how we can cultivate conscientiousness.
High
Spends time preparing
Finishes important tasks right away
Pays attention to detail
Enjoys having a set schedule
Low
Dislikes structure and schedules
Makes messes and doesn’t take care of things
Fails to return things or put them back where they belong
Procrastinates important tasks
Fails to complete necessary or assigned tasks
It isn’t obvious that spending time preparing is an antidote to loneliness because this is often a solo activity, but it is. This may not be your style to date, but this is something within your control. Spend more time preparing, and surprise! You will likely feel less lonely. Same with finishing important tasks promptly. Some of us may be better at paying attention to detail. Some may be impaired by ADHD, for example. If so, obtain treatment. If you’re not a “detail person,” you can make more of an effort to notice details. Spending time with someone who is detail oriented can help us appreciate what we need to work on. Knowing that paying attention to detail alleviates loneliness is a good motivator. If you recognize yourself in the items listed under “Low,” you have the power to choose. For example, you can become more attentive to returning things and putting things back where they belong.
Jane decides to pay more attention to detail. Now she names every color she sees while walking her children in the stroller. She also names the living creatures she sees on these walks. Her children enjoy participating in these games. Mindfully tuning into her environment prevents her conscious mind from experiencing her loneliness.
Elaine is good at her job, in part because she is attentive to detail and follows through on her bosses priorities, but she tends to be 10 to 15 minutes late for work. She’s tired at the end of the day, so she tends to leave all the ‘get ready for work’ tasks for the morning. She decides to spend more time preparing by doing this the night before, right after dinner. Now in the evening before work she checks the weather forecast. She puts out all her clothes. She assures her purse contains her keys, wallet, and whatever else she needs for the next day. She also packs her lunch the night before. Now she can just grab it and go. Now she’s almost always on time, which improves her self esteem. She’s more focused on her incremental progress, so she experiences loneliness less often.
Jerry enjoyed having a set schedule when he was working, but in retirement, he doesn’t have one. He slipped into sad drifting — too much TV. He decides to continue his former morning routine of exercise, shower and dress, then breakfast with the newspaper, which he can now enjoy at his leisure instead of dashing out the door to drive to work. He is a morning person, so he schedules his decision-making tasks before noon. After lunch, he does more routine errands, makes contact with friends and continues with his volunteer activities. He’s focused on his power to choose a less lonely life, despite the painful losses of his wife and work identity. He enjoys watching TV, so he continues doing that after dinner. He uses an app on his phone to tell him when to go to bed and to wake up 8 to 9 hours later to maintain a regular sleep schedule.
3. Agreeableness
Agreeableness includes qualities such as trust, altruism, kindness, and affection. People who are high in agreeableness tend to be more cooperative. They do things that benefit other people. Those low in this trait tend to be more competitive. They may even be deceitful to get what they want.
High
Has a great deal of interest in other people
Cares about others
Feels empathy and concern for other people
Enjoys helping and contributing to the happiness of other people
Assists others who are in need of help
Low
Takes little interest in others
Doesn’t care about how other people feel
Has little interest in other people’s problems
Insults and belittles others
Manipulates others to get what they want
Even the darkest Scrooge can lessen his loneliness by becoming more agreeable. It can help Scrooges everywhere to live longer, happier and healthier lives. This blog provides anyone with a step-by-step recipe to lift themselves out of the despair of loneliness. This is all based on science.
Jane is fatigued as the primary caregiver of her two young children. Sometimes she feels angry with her family. Sometimes she feels angry at the slow store clerk. She has been stuffing her feelings. She tries not to say something that she might later regret. When her feelings of loneliness and despair break through, she is not agreeable..
Empathy is an antidote to anger, so she decides she can make more of an effort to see the other person’s perspective. She starts with the premise that life is difficult for everyone. She reflects on the challenges in her husband’s life. She considers how frustrating it must be for young children not to be able to express themselves adequately in words. For the slow sales clerk, she considers the possibility that his job training was inadequate — not his fault. As a consequence her anger and loneliness dissipate.
Elaine, to date, has stuck strictly to what is in her job description. Occasionally, that leaves her with some downtime. Instead of coveting every break, she decides to pay attention to what others need during those times. She begins to volunteer to help out her co-workers as her work schedule, responsibilities and need for rest permit.
Jerry enjoyed being an accountant. He liked helping his clients improve their financial situations. Now he volunteers at the local library. During tax season, he helps elderly and disabled people do their taxes. He joins Accountants for the Public Interest. About 10 hours every month he volunteers on special projects.
Conclusions
If you feel lonely, please try out some of these suggestions as they are manageable for you, as consistently as possible. Would you like to track your progress? I have attached the USCL Loneliness Scale Indicator that you can take before you start your journey and sometime thereafter. Or keep a journal of your feelings, goals, actions and progress out of the darkness of loneliness. I would love to hear your feedback, and will hold whatever you share with me in the strictest of confidence, unless you specifically authorize me to share it publicly. All requests for anonymity will be honored.
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