Background
This blog focuses on techniques for overcoming the shame of feeling lonely and improving your satisfaction in your relationships
In an earlier Blog in this series, I made suggestions on how to develop new skills, one small step at a time, to build resilience against loneliness. I made these suggestions, attentive to what might feel possible by a person feeling lonely. None of them suggest forcing yourself into any uncomfortable social situation. All of them accept that the social situations that leave you feeling lonely are within your control.
Overcoming Fears to Reach Out to Other Person
In this blog, I arm you with some facts and tools, based on the science of human relations, to build your confidence in reaching out to another person to reduce your own loneliness. You may feel you that you are ready to take this step, but like many lonely people, you may fear failure. Reaching out to another person seeking a meaningful and satisfying relationship takes guidance and preparation, This article seeks to begins to provide you with such information and attendant confidence.
Obstacles to Overcoming Loneliness: Shame
First, a few words about what your feelings of loneliness put you up against. First is shame. Many lonely people feel ashamed of their loneliness because they believe that their social connections are unsatisfying because, they believe they are unlovable. They may look at others who seem to interact socially with ease as lovable people and feel even more left out. The truth is, as I wrote in an earlier blog, close to 50% of all Americans reported feeling lonely. Chances are that if you reach out to anther person with a kind offer of connection, you will be reaching out to another person who also feels lonely and who may appreciate your gesture more than you imagine. According to M. Scott Peck, “Life is Difficult” for everyone. The grass may look greener, but the truth is you do not know what pain another person is living with until they tell you. Appreciating that your feel lonely is shared with almost half the US population is a scientific fact that I hope will dissipate your feeling ashamed about it.
Second, the problem with shame around loneliness is that it inhibits action and reinforces loneliness itself because we want to hide what we are afraid of, so let’s give a shot at improving your self confidence. If you feel ready to reach out for more genuinely satisfying relation ships — the antidote to loneliness — you need not confess your closely guarded secret that you feel lonely. In fact, I suggest you don’t — at least not in the beginning.
Boosting Your Confidence That People Will Like You
I highly suggest you read an old classic: How to Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Here is the link to the free PDF: https://d-pdf.com/book/16/read. The author intends it to be a workbook. There are also free audio links.
The following are a few nuggets of wisdom from that book to help you take steps in the right direction when initiating communications to deepen your satisfaction in your relationships. You may be surprised to learn that there are specific steps you can take to make people like you more.
- Become genuinely interested in other people. “You can make more friends in two months by being interested in them, than in two years by making them interested in you.”
- Smile. Happiness does not depend on outside circumstances, but rather on inward attitudes. Smiles are free to give and have an amazing ability to make others feel wonderful. Each time you catch yourself frowning, smile. That may feel unnatural at first, but you can act your way into a new way of thinking.
- Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language. “The average person is more interested in their own name than in all the other names in the world put together.” We can make people feel extremely valued and important by remembering their name.
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. The easiest way to become a good conversationalist is to become a good listener. To be a good listener, we must actually care about what people have to say. Many times people don’t want an entertaining conversation partner; they just want someone who will listen to them. There is no need to disclose what you may feel is a shameful secret. In fact, complaining of your own loneliness may be counterproductive. I suggest you don’t until perhaps sometime in the future of a relationship in which you feel secure that the other person will not reject you for that.
- Talk in terms of the other person’s interest. The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. If we talk to people about what they are interested in, they will feel valued and value us in return.
- Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. The golden rule is to treat other people how we would like to be treated. We love to feel important and so does everyone else. People will talk to us for hours if we allow them to talk about themselves. If we can make people feel important in a sincere and appreciative way, then we will win all the friends we could ever dream of.
Techniques for Remembering People’s Names
- Pay attention: When you are introduced to someone, give them your full attention and focus on their name. Be present in the moment and avoid distractions that may hinder your ability to remember.
- Repeat and confirm: Repeat the person’s name after they introduce themselves. For example, say “Nice to meet you, [Name].” This repetition helps reinforce the name in your memory and confirms that you heard it correctly.
- Use association: Associate the person’s name with something familiar or memorable. It could be a visual image, a similar-sounding word, or a personal connection. Create a mental link between the name and the association to help recall it later.
- Create visual cues: Visualize the person’s name written or spelled out in your mind. Focus on the details of the letters and imagine them vividly. You can also associate the name with a distinct facial feature or attribute of the person.
- Use mnemonic devices: Create a mnemonic device or a memorable phrase that helps you remember the name. It could be a rhyme, a wordplay, or an acronym using the initials of the name.
- Practice active listening: Engage in active listening during conversations. Take an interest in the person and their name, and try to find connections or details that you can associate with their name.
- Use the name immediately: Use the person’s name as soon as possible in the conversation. Address them by their name when asking questions or making comments. The act of using their name repeatedly helps reinforce it in your memory.
- Review and repetition: After meeting someone, take a moment to review their name in your mind. Repeat it a few times to yourself to reinforce your memory. If you have the opportunity, try to recall their name later in the day or during subsequent encounters.
Remember, practice and patience are key when it comes to improving your ability to remember names. With time and effort, these techniques can become more natural and effective.
Conclusion
Try utilizing one or more of the techniques listed about that you don’t already do. This will reenergize your journey to make new satisfying connections and to enrich existing ones. Let me know how that goes!
